Nightime Happenings
by PhoenixTears625
Summary: What happens when Hermione just wants to spend a night with the Whomping Willow and everything goes awry? AU Hermione/whompy/Snape/Ron Remus/Sirius Ginny/every Boy Voldmort/Aragoq/tamagotchi Bellatrix/ferrets Lockhart/Colin/MJ and many more! Very Funny


Nighttime Happenings

Disclaimer: Do we look like JK Rowling? We don't own any of these wonderful characters…we're just playing with them. However the story belongs to us. Also…we recognize the whomping willows (wrock band) and Tamagotchi's and MJ. Thank you.

A/N: Hey guys! This was the product of two crazed minds in the early hours of the morning, when we should have been asleep. We wanted to do a fic with a ship of two characters that aren't usually together. We were inspired by the song 'I found a loophole' by the Whomping Willows. Its an awesome song…you guys should hear it.

Nighttime Happenings

"Oh" Hermione moaned, rubbing against her lover. However, her lover did not respond, for it was a mute creature; one known as the Whomping Willow, aka Whompy. But, this did not perturb Hermione as she continued to grind against the tree's hard bark (A/N: Aardvark).

As this continued, one of Whompy's many branches snaked down and coiled around Hermione's waist, drawing her closer. Whompy's rather large trunk began to sway in motion to Hermione's movement; it leaves rustling like a cat purring as its being stroked.

All of a sudden, the clouds shifted, throwing the quarter moon into clear view. The moonlight revealed a colossal figure in the sky. As it drew nearer, Hermione was able to make out the two figures.

"Hey, Mione!" roared a naked Hagrid riding Buckbeak in a very seductive manor.

"You and Buckbeak? I should've known!" shouted back Hermione, never ceasing grinding against Whompy.

"Yeah, we left the ½ Hippogriff, ¼ Giant, ¼ Human babies at home tonight; we've got a big night planned!"

"Ok, see you later, have fun!" Hermione called.

"Oh, we will!" Hagrid shouted over the flap of his lover's wings, as they disappeared into the night.

"Now, where were we?" Hermione whispered seductively to Whompy.

Before Whompy could answer (not that he could if he had wanted to) there was a rustle of leaves and a man clothed in Azkaban wear jumped out, carrying a man in tattered robes. Both were shirtless and passionately snogging.

"Remus? Sirius? I always knew this would happen!"

"Its already happened like…28 times!" Sirius growled between snogs, as they moved towards the Willow.

"And what is this with Whompy, Hermione?" Lupin said breathily from somewhere around Sirius's navel, noting Hermione's current position.

"Look at yourself!" she called between moans, "Why are you here anyway?"

"We're on our way to the bed in the shrieking shack!" Sirius replied.

"Why couldn't you have just done it in a school bed?"

"Because the Shrieking Shack has toys" Remus answered.

"Whompy and I do it old school." said Hermione and she pressed the knot on the tree and it froze temporarily so Remus and Sirius could pass.

"Now that we were interrupted by CERTAIN GAY ANNOYING PEOPLE!" Hermione yelled down the passageway.

"We heard that!" Sirius and Remus called back in unison before Hermione closed the passageway and pressed the knot.

As the tree shook more violently, Hermione decided that it was time to go further and took off her shirt and pajama bottoms. Acknowledging this lack of clothing, Whompy reached out one of his branches and traced it over her bra as Hermione continued. Whompy took Hermione's moans and groans as a sign to go further and directed his branch south of its currant position and began stroking the southern territory. Hermione responded enthusiastically by grabbing the branch and pulling it closer to her southern most area.

Just as Whompy began to edge towards the opening of her underwear the bushes rustled yet again, and Harry, Draco, Dean, Seamus, Cedric, Neville, Colin Creevey (with camera in hand), Zabini, Crabbe, Goyle, Zacharias Smith, Justin Finch-Fletchley, Percy, Viktor Krum, Lee Jordan, Fred, George, Michael Corner, Cormac McLaggen, Lockheart, Quirrell, Slughorn, Lucius, Arthur Weasley, ten ferrets, a rat, Bill, Charlie, all of Voldemort's male Death Eaters clothed in tight leopard spandex, Fudge, Barty Crouch (Jr. and Sr.) Kingsley, Moody, Filch, and to Hermione's great surprise…Ginny.

Hermione stopped as she spotted the huge crowd of men…and Ginny.

"Why is Ginny with you?" she asked the crowd at large, incredulously.

"Ginny's with us?" said Percy, Fred, George, Charlie, Arthur, and Bill.

"Yeah…Ginny gets around." said Harry, matter-of-factly.

"Let me guess, you guys are headed to the bed in the Shrieking Shack?" Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Of course!" said Lockheart in a lispy feminine voice, as he patted his pink feather boa.

"Well, Sirius and Remus beat you to it, they're already down there."

"Fine." said Arthur, "Then we'll just go and join them."

The crowd had moved a foot closer to the tree when Molly Weasley burst out of one of the trees in mid-duel with a ferret.

"Not my daughter, you bitch!" Molly screamed. Just then, Bellatrix apparated with a crack, also clothed in tight leopard spandex.

"Not my ferret, you Bitch!" Bellatrix screamed as she began to duel Molly. "I raised them from birth as an evil ferret army!"

Before any of them could kill each other a naked Hagrid riding Buckbeak swooped down and mauled the ferret. Bellatrix gave a cry of despair and made a face similar to one in constipation, before two full grown wings sprouted from her shoulder blades. Conjuring a spear from mid air, she darted into the sky after Buckbeak, with a loud war cry.

Without a word, Molly pulled out black shades, put them on, and jumped (very James-Bond-like) into the nearest bush.

"Where's my kiss, Mollywobbles?" Arthur Weasley shouted into the bush. Molly came bounding out of the bush, running full speed at her husband, before jumping on him and basically eating his face.

All at once, Molly stopped, stood up, and whispered menacingly: "The ferrets strike at midnight." before bounding back into the bush.

"Are you guys coming, or what?" Hermione called to the group of men and Ginny, as they stared into the bush into which Molly had just vanished. A mummer of consent rang through the crowd as they walked down the passageway.

With the swish of a cloak, a bald man without a nose or any facial hair ambled out of the forest staring at a pink Tamagotchi in his hands. He wore an expression of distaste as he pushed the buttons in an attempt to stop the relentless beeping of the children's toy.

"OMG my Tamagotchi's gonna die!" Voldemort wailed. "I don't know how to get rid of these little poops!" The Tamagotchi was surrounded by poops, was smelly, and had a skull and crossbones hanging over its head, a sure sign that it was mere minutes away from kicking the bucket. "I give up! I hate you Jarvis" he shouted malevolently, and threw the Tamagotchi as far as he could (which was a measly 4 feet.). As soon as the Tamagotchi hit the moist dirt, Aragog came stampeding out of the forest, pushed Voldemort aside, and devoured the pink Tamagotchi, crushing the plastic exterior. "Thank you oh mighty aracnomantula! For freeing me from the ruthless beeping!" Aragog purred and nuzzled Voldemort's face.

"Can I ride you?" Voldemort whispered with awe, with the excitement of a small child. Aragog nodded and Voldemort leaped onto him with a loud "YES!" Quickly conjuring a riding crop, Voldemort screamed "MUSH!" Aragog reared and they galloped off into the forest.

Growing increasingly more annoyed with the frequent interruptions, Hermione had completely ignored Voldemort's doings with the Tamagotchi. However it was very hard to ignore as Michael Jackson strutted up to the Whomping Willow.

"Excuse me, young lady? Are there any little boys around here?" he said in a high pitched breathy voice.

"Um…ok…hold on." Hermione said as she parted from Whompy to press the knot and open the passageway. "Gilderoy! I think an old friend is here!" she shouted.

"Ok…!" Lockheart's lispy feminine voice replied, echoing through the passageway.

"He'll be up in a minute." Hermione told Michael Jackson, who insisted upon being called MJ. A very awkward minute passed in which MJ began to sing and dance Thriller very loudly and grab himself in very inappropriate places.

"MJ!" Lockheart sang as he trotted out of the passageway, and ran to embrace MJ, as that of a lover.

"Me and Gildy dated back in the summer of 73'" MJ said to Hermione over Lockheart's shoulder. "But I've moved on to little boys now." He paused. "Say, Gildy, are there any little boys around here?"

"We've got Colin Creevey down here." Lockheart suggested, sounding a little disappointed.

"That'll do." MJ said in a serious voice, grabbing Gilderoy's hand and yanking him down the passageway.

Before Hermione could close the door of the passageway, there came a growling like that of the _Monster Book of Monsters_, but a little bit more demented. Turning around, Hermione saw the Sorting Hat inching its way closer to the passageway mumbling and foaming at the mouth.

"Hmmmggllbb…hhhmmmgglllnnddd….Dumbledore…hhmmbbnnlllgghhhm….." it muttered as it climbed down the passageway. Hermione closed the door and pressed the knot with a very confused look upon her face.

Now that all the people/animals were gone, Whompy was getting very impatient, and he quickly plunged a branch into Hermione.

"Ah!" she gasped.

"Gods Hermione! What in the name of Merlin are you doing?" came Ron's voice from across the clearing.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" she shouted sarcastically. "I'm doing it with Whompy! He's always hard!"

A look of sheer anger and loathing came across Ron's face as he unsheathed the sword of Gryffindor and ran full out at Whompy. He plunged it violently into one of the trees branches and chopped it off, but it was of no use for the tree sprouted another two branches which Ron also chopped, producing another four branches. Ron proceeded to attack those branches as well. Hermione sighed at Ron's stupidity and carried on with Whompy.

Then, out of one of the branches, emerged a naked Dumbledore and Grindelwald, who were doing the dirty deed.

"Why Hermione, I see that you, like many before you, have discovered the many delights of planting a whomping willow in your grounds; In more ways than one!" Dumbledore said between thrusts. In the background 'Whore for Dumbledore' by the Whomping Willows started playing. Ron continued to hack off branches. Climbing down the tree, Dumbledore and Grindelwald pranced towards the forest, holding hands, as a mysterious trail of rainbows followed them.

"Ferrets!" Molly poked her head out of her bush and peered at Dumbledore and Grindelwald with huge bulging eyes. When Dumbledore and Grindelwald spotted Molly, they stumbled and the mysterious trail of rainbows faltered for but a second, before they resumed prancing into the night.

"What is that god awful music?" came Snape's deep oily voice, referring to 'Whore for Dumbledore' as it played softly from an unknown source. Then, spotting Ron maiming the Whomping Willow, he became instantly outraged.

Snape stomped moodily over to Ron and hit him over the head with a random book that appeared so conveniently into his hands.

"Don't harm Whompy or your Potions grade will see a significant downfall…and I might have to rape you."

"Why do you care so much about Whompy?" came a voice Snape knew all to well. He turned to see Hermione, naked, entwined in the Whomping Willow.

Snape gasped, before pausing to whisper: "Thursdays, eleven o'clock."

The End


End file.
